Woody's Got Wood
Believed to have been written some time in the year 2009 by an unknown author, Woody's Got Wood spent the last 541 years becoming one of the most popular and widely read stories of the entire English language, with even wider circulation than the Bible. Woody's got Wood tells an epic tale of love and tragedy, all contained within just under 300 words. To truly understand the importance of this piece of literature, an in-depth analysis is required.
Unfortunately as of late those in Nanotrasen space have begun to grow tired and even resent this ancient love story. While reasons for this range from cultural theorists simply pointing out that after five hundred plus years, fads do die off, to conspiracy theorists believing the Nanotrasen executives to be secretly Space Mormons and wish to incite hatred towards sexual expression. The most likely explanation is that no one has ever liked Woody's Got Wood and after five hundred years hearing this fucking story again simply makes everyone want to kill you.
There have been recorded instances of people being brutally stabbed, shot, eaten, spaced, electrocuted, lethally injected, swirlied and even slapped for reading Woody's Got Wood to a large non-voluntary crowd. It is also well known that reading Woody's Got Wood can short circuit artificial intelligentsia as well as cybernetic organisms under the oft used Asimov Law Set causing the reader to find themselves declared as non-human.
A Fair Warning
Only suffering awaits you below. Read at your own risk.
Part 1: A Love Story
One day while Andy was masturbating, Woody got wood.
- The important thing to realize about this sentence is that it presupposes that the reader is familiar with the Toy Story films from the same era. In these movies, Andy is a human child and Woody is the name of his favorite toy, a stuffed cowboy doll. In the setting of the film, all toys are animate, but merely pretend to be inanimate while humans are around. It is in this fantasy world that our story also takes place. In the first sentence alone, Woody's got Wood gives the reader all of the information they need to understand the setting. Both protagonists of the work, Andy and Woody are named, and the fact that Andy is masturbating implies that Woody's got Wood takes place some time between the second and third films, after Andy has started puberty but before he has given the toys away. The sentence also lets the reader know that they toys have biological functions akin to their anatomy, so Woody has the ability to get "wood" or, an erection. This use of slang is a common literary trope for informal settings, seen to the extreme in works such as The Clockwork Orange, and shows the audience that the characters are distanced from mainstream society. The sentence also functions as a hook to get the reader further into the work.
He could no longer help himself!
- He (Woody), in this sentence is shown at being incredibly sexually frustrated. The reader is left to assume that Woody has seen Andy masturbate many times in the past but has been unable to pleasure himself because he must remain motionless to keep up the facade. It is at this point that Woody cannot resist his sexual urges any longer and acts upon them. Several literary analysts insist that his sentence is an allusion to the Greek god Zeus, also unable to resist sexual temptation despite other commitments.
He watched as Andy stroked his juicy kawaii cock.
- Some believe that this sentence was actually intended to be the second sentence in the work, however its unusual placement was entirely intentional. This sentence shows the reader exactly how sexually attracted to Andy Woody is. Woody focuses singularly on this one part of Andy's anatomy. Andy's penis is described as "juicy" but it is unclear if this word means that Andy's penis is covered in Cowper's fluid, or if his penis is being compared to something large and thick, like a juicy piece of fruit. This wording is still hotly debated among Woody's got Wood scholars. The use of the word "kawaii" is also very interesting, as it is the first of several uses of Japanese in Woody's got Wood. Inexperienced readers sometimes think that this implies that Andy and Woody are Japanese in the setting of this work, but that is an incorrect interpretation. Instead, the word "kawaii" is borrowed because the authors sentiments cannot be properly expressed in English. While the word literally translates to "cute," there is more to the word than that. Kawaii is an entire aspect of Japanese culture, giving it a much grander meaning than our word. The author is attempting to covey this importance here because of how important Andy is to Woody. Additionally, the word is juxtaposed next to the word "cock," a typically vulgar word. This shocks the reader and alerts them that Woody's got Wood is going to be extremely intimate and vulgar and will not be censored just for the audience's sake.
He approached Andy which startled him and make him pee everywhere on the floor and on Woody too.
- At this point in the story, Woody has given up the charade of being just a toy and has confronted Andy directly. Discovering that one's inanimate toys were in fact, capable of independent movement would be shocking to anyone, and Andy is no exception. Indeed, Andy is so startled that he loses control of his bladder. Cynics frequently point out that human males cannot urinate when erect, as the external urethral sphincter closes, however this is not always true as the internal urethral sphincter (which is closer to the bladder) remains open until orgasm, thus it is possible, though unlikely, to spontaneously urinate if the external urethral sphincter receives a sudden shock. In this case, so much urine was accidentally released it flowed "everywhere on the floor" as well as on Woody himself. The urine of course did not literally go "everywhere," that is merely an overstatement for dramatic effect.
Being drenched in his urine made him harder than ever!
- This sentence has confused many readers, as it is unclear which of the characters is becoming more "hard" or having a more powerful erection. The issue is primarily one of grammar, but the debate is very important in the events of the story. There are two camps among scholars, each believing it refers to difference characters. The A-Urolagniaists believe that the sentence is to be read as a stand alone and Andy is the subject of the both pronoun. In this interpretation, Andy has become more aroused after being drenched in his own urine. W-Urolagniaists believe that the oblique pronoun "him" refers to Woody, as Woody was the last subject directly mention. In this interpretation, after being covered in Andy's urine, Woody became more aroused. W-Urolagniaists argue that since Woody is the only character directly mentioned to have urine on him, he must be the one getting harder. A-Urolagniaists counter by saying that the author has omitted specifics several times in the work, and it implied that while peeing with an erection in a sitting position, Andy would have gotten some of his urine on himself. The debate rages in Space Universities even today.
Part 2: The Lover's Confession
Woody: "Andy Senpai! I'm alive and I want to be INSIDE OF YOU."
- Here, Woody's got Wood completely changes its narrative style. Rather than being written in story format, the author chooses to eschew traditional technique in order to write the dialog like that of a play. An extremely bold risk, but it remains one of the reasons the story has gotten so popular. When one of the characters speaks, the book has their name written and then a colon. The name is not to be read aloud, but instead used to alert the reader which character is speaking. Woody has two sentences here, first and exclamation and then a proper pair of statements. First, Woody gets Andy's attention by calling him "Andy Senpai." Senpai is another Japanese word borrowed because of a lack of English equivalent. Senpai is an honorific term used when speaking to an older classmate. Presumably, Woody is using it because he has grown up with Andy, but Andy is of course older than him. Woody then goes on to admit the truth to Andy that he is alive, and caught up in the moment admits his sexual desire. "To be inside someone" is a euphemism for sexual intercourse, as the penis enters a part of the other person's body through an orifice. In this sentence however, it has a double meaning, the second as the reader will see being quite literal.
Andy: "Oh Woody Chan!
- Three sentences from Andy here show Andy's reaction to learning of Woody's confession. First, Andy responds in kind to Woody's use of Japanese honorifics, calling him Woody Chan. Chan is a term of endearment attached to the names of people that are close to the speaker, usually women. Chan can be used for men, but it is often mocking or used for men who are extremely feminine. In this case Woody is being called Chan because of his small size in comparison to Andy.
I always knew you were alive! I want to stuff you up my kawaii ass!"
- Andy continues, affirming to Woody that he was already aware that Woody was alive, and knew for some time. It is unclear if it means to say Andy literally knew Woody was alive, having discovered evidence of it, or if he merely had suspicions that were confirmed when Woody confronted him. Either way, Andy continues and tells Woody that he feels the same way about him. Andy informs Woody that he wants to have Woody inside him, specifically to put all of Woody inside of his anus. Rectal stimulation via the prostate is very common in homosexual relationships, and this is no exception. Given Woody's small size, it is unlikely that his penis would be very pleasurable to Andy, so Andy decides to take Woody's offer of being "inside him" literally by stuffing Woody's entire body up his rectum. Note the second use of "kawaii" followed by a explicative for a dramatic juxtaposition. This repetition reminds the reader of what is to come, giving the faint of heart one last chance to turn away.
Woody grabbed a bunch of flavored lube and rubbed it all over his head Woody has now been given the chance to act on his long repressed sexual urges. Eager to please his beloved Andy, he obeys his request without a hint of hesitation, seriously implying that the two share a much deeper and more passionate love for one another. This subtext is re-inforced by their mutual desire to have Woody physically inside of Andy, rather than the more common definition of the term wherin one simply engages in sexual intercourse with the other.
"Woody: "Oh my! It's cherry flavored lube! Cherry is my favorite!" Once again, we feel the unspoken mutual affection of our two star crossed lovers through the subtleties of this tale. Though they have never held a conversation together up until now, Andy's deep connection to his soul mate has surpassed the need for words, and he has provided Woody with his favorite flavor of sexual lubricant (Not to be confused with the more dangerous and malevolent "Space Lube").
Analysis to be continued